Every so often I search through my spam box to see that none of you have been tossed in. It happens from time-to-time. Generally the emails in my spam box have titles slimy enough to prevent me from ever bringing my cursor near them. There is one type of spam I do open from time to time — those proclamations that I am due a great amount of money. I do not open them hoping that this time they might be true — I open them for laughs.
It is with deep regret that I write to tell you of the passing of your great, long lost uncle. You do not know him, but he has kept careful watch over you, and has chosen you as the sole beneficiary of his 150 million USD estate. To collect your inheritence, please forward $189.00 USD in order to pay the attorney who will process the paper work and forward you a cashier’s check for 150 million USD. I must hear from you within 24 hours.
Jared Snow, Esq.
In my mind I composed this response:
Dear Jared Snow, M.O.R.O.N.
Extract the $189.00 USD from the $150 million USD and send me the balance. I expect to receive it within 24 hours.
Seriously, how can people take these emails seriously? I know some must — if they didn’t the spammers would move on to something more profitable.
First off, (off being the operative word) they don’t even know my name or whether or not I’m male or female! Hello? If my dear departed uncle was really watching over me, wouldn’t he at least know my gender, if not my name?
Second off, legal documents do not come via email. They must have wherebys and heretofores and parties-of-the-first-part and parties-of-the-second-part and all that whatnot. Legal papers must also have witnesses and tons of other officialese clearly lacking in this email.
Third off, what’s with the deadline? If I inherited, I inherited. No?
Fourth off, even if we disregard the fact that I don’t have a name, why does my long lost uncle not have a name? Hmmmm? No wonder he got lost — and without a name we didn’t know how to find him!