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If Found, Promptly Return To Owner

I am tired. I am sick. I am cranky. And I am an idiot.

I am also near-sighted. In fact, I am so near-sighted that if I take off my glasses I cannot find them again without putting them on to look for them. That is why I always have an extra pair. This morning that extra pair saved my day.

I woke, reached for my glasses — and they weren’t where I always leave them. I leaned over the bed and squinted at the floor. Too dark. I grabbed the flashlight and shone it along side the bed and the bookcase. No glasses.

I leaned over farther still, and shone the flashlight under the bed. Big deal. I couldn’t see more then six inches in front of my face. I went and retrieved my other pair of classes from the drawer below the computer monitor, then I returned and looked under my bed. That’s where that roll of packing tape went! No glasses.

I sat and thought. When did I have my glasses last? I got in bed and read for an hour. I don’t remember turning off the light. Could I have gone to sleep without taking my glasses off? I took the blankets off the bed and shook them, one at a time. I took the top sheet off the bed. Then the bottom sheet. Then the pillows. I took the mattress off the bed. Then I took the bed off the bed. Damn. Somebody should vacuum under here — but no glasses.

A glance at the clock told me I was pushing my time limits. I headed for the shower — pausing to give all the flat surfaces in my bathroom a good look. No glasses. I wore my old pair all day. The prescription is off, and they don’t have bifocals, but they’re still better than no glasses.

Tonight I came home and searched my bedroom again — inch by inch. No glasses. I don’t get it. Glasses don’t just leave. And I can’t go far without them, so where were they?

I gave up, made my dinner, then sat down to my comp and had a lovely chat with OC. After the chat I decided to go to the store and get some Musinex. Except, as I was leaving the house I thought about that dinner I’d eaten. The salad had onions. I went in the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

While brushing my teeth I spotted the hairspray bottle and remembered it was almost empty. I needed more … or did I? I opened the medicine cabinet to look for an extra bottle — and there were my glasses. I have no recollection of putting them there. None. Zip. Nada.

I don’t remember turning out the light last night. I don’t remember going to sleep. I remember making a cup of hot tea, carrying it and my book into my bedroom, curling up to read, and waking up this morning.

At least I’ve found my glasses, but if any of you find where I left my brain, would you send it on home?

Quilly is the pseudonym of Charlene L. Amsden, who lives on The Big Island in Hawaii. When she is not hanging out with Amoeba, she is likely teaching or sewing. Or she could be cooking, taking photographs, or even writing. But if she's not doing any of that, she's probably on Facebook or tinkering with her blog.


  1. I hate when stuff like this happens. I have memories, but no memeory of living the original scene. I have to stop and think, “Was it real or did I dream it?” Weird.

  2. I think it’s lovely that you can relate a story like this, we all have frailties and foibles, but admitting them and then telling the world about them is admirable, as well as entertaining!

  3. I’ve found my memory is failing in lock step with my eyesight. I’d be upset, but I can’t remember. 😉

  4. Nessa — well, since my glasses were missing and they didn’t leave by themselves, I have no choice but to think it was real. The loss of memory leaves me baffled. Was I sleep walking? If so, where might I go next?

    OC — Spring Break. I’ll sleep from the 2nd to the 5th. I have to wake on the 6th. There’s somewhere important I have to be around 8:30 a.m.

    Bazza — I live by the precept, “Treat your neighbors as you treat yourself”, and since I want to be able to poke fun at others, I have to poke fun at me, too. 😉

    Brian — nice to see you back. I hope you’re feeling better. You know, your memory might not really be failing. I bet you’re a visual thinker, and your brain is just missing the context cues it uses to help you remember. Your memory may retrain itself.

  5. Amen! Mine too! I only put my glasses in two spots. On my eyes, or on top of my head. If they’re not in one place, they BETTER be in the other – cuz if not, I’m in deeeeeeep trouble! It’s been awhile since I misplaced them though … I wish I could say the same about the milk…. *sigh*

    But… isn’t it AMAZING how the Lord led you back to them??? I bet He had fun doing it too!

  6. Alastair — once you remember what you wanted to say, you will have forgotten who you wanted to say it to.

    Melli — that’s where my glasses usually are — my eyes, the top of my head, or the exact same spot on the nightstand, period. That’s why this medicine cabinet thing is so weird. Oh, and it’s been years since I misplaced my glasses, primarily because I can’t walk away from them, without using them to see where I am going!

  7. don’t you hate it when things seem to mysteriously disappear and then reappear in a totally unexpected place…
    glad you found your glasses

  8. That is one of the reasons I have a wife, so that I have someone to tell me where my glasses are. She does this several times during the day. I highly recommend one, or the equivalent.

  9. Last time I lost my glasses, I was at my friend’s house and I was spending the night. She had this big chair next to the bed so I just put my glasses on the arm of the chair and went to sleep. In the middle of the night I woke up and tried to find my glasses and I couldn’t find them. I was trying to find them on the chair in the dark, on the floor…nothing. I started worrying a little (perhaps her dog picked them up and broke them?) but went back to sleep…next morning when we got up my friend hands me my glasses…she thought she’d be helping by putting them over on her side where she puts her glasses. NOT COOL.

  10. And with regard to your poltergeist theory, I have a totally different take on why things disappear and turn up somewhere unexpected: There are cracks in our universe where things can slip through to parallel universes. On the other side, there are people employed to throw things back. That’s why when they reappear it’s not where they should be.

    By the way, this theory is not my original idea – it’s adapted from the premise of “Finders Keepers” by Emily Rodda, a wonderfully imaginative children’s book that had a BIG impression on me as a child.

  11. Dr. John — I often lose my glasses on top of my head.

    Mumma — damnesia. Although I like the parallel universe theory.

    Gary — first I am going to try to domesticate the poltergeist. If I can get it to do dishes, I’m keeping it.

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