The Pot

She: “So I’m walking through the fair, and there’s this great big pot on a counter. I want it, but it’s so big that it wouldn’t work on our stove unless we used all four burners at the same time. And it’s so heavy, I can’t lift it!

“Then the director of your laboratory walks by and says ‘you don’t want that.’

“I want to tell him what for, but then I remember he’s the director of your lab, so I merely ask ‘why not?’

“He walks over to it and lifts the lid – which I hadn’t thought about doing. The pot only holds about a cup of water! The rest of the pot is solid metal. ‘That’s why not’, he says.

“‘No wonder I couldn’t lift it …”

“‘It’s for scientific experiments’, he finishes, as he picks the thing up himself (it suddenly got a lot smaller) and leaves.”

He: “Sweetheart, where did you get ahold of scientific equipment catalogs?”

She: “Scientific equipment catalogs?”

He: “What were you going to pay for this thing?”

She: “I wasn’t. Way too expensive.”

He: “I thought so. A perfect description of stuff in scientific catalogs. Overpriced and useless. And now I don’t know what to do.”

She: “About what?”

He: “About these catalogs. I don’t know whether to tell you to stop reading them, so you don’t have these nightmares any more, or to keep reading them and collect the nightmares for story ideas.”

She:Gimme catalogs!!”

Leafing Reality

This morning She woke from a dream to find him sleeping quite peacefully.  She thought about smacking him one — with her fist.  Her violent thoughts must have somehow communicated to him, because He opened his eyes and regarded her warily.  “Yes?” He queried.

“I just dreamed that we went to a fancy restaurant.  I was dressed up very nicely.  We parked in the parking lot and rode the elevator up, up, up to the restaurant.  When we stepped out of the elevator, you approached the hostess and I stepped into the ladies room.  When I came out of the ladies room you were nowhere in sight.  I approached the Hostess.  She said we didn’t have reservations and therefore couldn’t be seated, and that you’d left.  I knew you didn’t go far.  I waited in the lobby.  I waited a half an hour.  Then I went to the parking lot.  The car was there so I waited another half an hour.  I tried calling home a couple of times.  You didn’t answer the phone.  Finally I drove home and found you sound asleep in bed.”  She poked him in the chest — the real him, not the dream him —  “Explain yourself,” She demanded.

He said, “I was tired?”

She said, “Why did you just leave me there?”

He said, “Well, I thought you were a tree.”

She rolled her eyes and walked away.

LATER:

She said, “You are very big on taking responsibility for your actions, right?”

“Yes?” He answered warily.

“Then why is it,” She demanded, “that you will not take responsibility for your behavior in my dream?”

He said, in ringing, official tones, “Because I have declared that I do not have to and, since I have declared it, it is so.  So there.”

She said, “Wait, just a minute, this needs some adjustment.” She took his right hand and inserted it in the lapel of his shirt then stepped back. “Perfect!  Now, say that again — you know, the ‘because I said so stuff’.”

He removed his hand from his lapel.  “That’s pretty last century don’t you think?”

She said, “So was your declaration!”

He said, “Don’t blame me, this is your dream.”

“Hello?”  She said.  “We’re awake now!”

He just smirked at her.