Consistency = Friends For Over 35 Years

According to the dictionary consistency is:

  1. a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.
  2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form,etc.
  3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility, especially correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing
  4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retainingform; solidity or firmness.

Why I Like Facebook

Running dialogue below one of my status updates:

Status: At dinner tonight Amoeba pea-ed on the floor!

Comments:

  •    ‎*snort*

  •   Corny.
  •   How many peas did he lose on the floor?
  •   Not telling. That would be disturbing the peas.
  •   And I can’t pick ’em up either, ’cause then I’d be accused of lifting my legume.
  •   Charley and Charlene two peas in a pod??? yep I think so
  •   Jeff says oh peas get over it
  •   Charlie probably couldn’t carrot less about peas.
  •   But I *do*, Nathalie. *Everybody* should be able to visualize whirled peas.
  •   I suppose I should have beet him for it.
  •   Good thing you didn’t. I don’t think I could have survived the borscht belt.
  •   LOL. I give up. I’m not radish enough to continue.
  •   I’m running out of thyme to play anyway.
  •   Figures that you’d walk off when it was your turnip.
  •   
  •   Don’t let him squash you.
  •   Oh, my. If you can’t get along, I guess you cantaloupe.
  •   I guess this strings bean going on long enough.
  •   Lettuce all turnip together to plant again, soon, peas!
  •  Tomato is soon enough for me.
  •   Okay, already. You guys are driving me out of my gourd!
  •   It did get corny, didn’t it?

You Can’t See Him In the Dark Anyway

She: “Help!”

He: “With what?”

She: “I need to find something about David!”

He: “Sorry. Too late.”

She: “Too late? Since when?

He: “Since after sundown. About four hours ago now.”

She: “What does that have to do with it?”

He: “Just, like, everything.”

She: “Are you being difficult on purpose?

He: “Do you see an aquarium in here large enough to hold a porpoise? Even if one would let me ride it? Look. It’s simplicity itself. You said you were looking for something about David.”

She: “Yes. I was.”

He: “Well. It’s night now. For David, you need light to see by. Says so right there. Day. Vid. So you’re just going to have to wait until tomorrow, after dawn.”

She: “Why, thank you, love. I won’t have to take out zombie insurance after all.”

He: “Zombie …”

She: “When they come to the house, all I have to do is push you to the door. ‘See? No brains here!‘ I couldn’t buy better protection!”

Amoeba Has Questions

Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba woke this morning with a sunbeam and an earworm. This is not good. Extracting a sunbeam from one’s anatomy (he won’t say from where) is no fun. And as for that earworm …

1. If morning has broken, who broke it?

2. Can it be fixed?

3. If blackbird has spoken, what’d it say?

4. Does Babelfish have a translation tool for ‘blackbird’?

5. Didn’t our mothers always tell us don’t fall? If we’re going to anyway, YFNA supposes it’s better to do it on the grass than on, say, the concrete. But then mothers would probably complain, “You’re wet!”

6. Where do you mine sunlight?

7. Isn’t planet Earth already in enough trouble from people mining stuff?

8. If we have a nude day on our hands, shouldn’t we be trying to find clothes for it? There are decency laws, after all. Even in Hawai‘i.

(YFNA is in Hawai‘i on a work assignment. Yes. He said work!)

The Awful English Language – Just Sea-ing

Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba was sitting at his computer, polishing his tin cup preparing yet another grant proposal and generally minding his own business, when the following sentence popped out onto the screen:

They [the people with the money; see The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences] will then say yea or nay, and if yea, make any changes that they require.

YFNA was about to press “Send” and move on to the next task, but this sentence grabbed him by the shirt collar, hauled him back, and demanded that he look at this.

Specifically, at the yea and the nay.

They’re spelled different.

But they sound the same!

Shouldn’t it be, like yea and nea? Or yay and nay?

But you can’t really use yay in this context. It looks too much like you’re in the crowd at a football game, not a meeting where votes are taken and decisions made. That would be an insult to the dignity of the football game.

But if you can’t use yay, how are you going to convince people to pronounce nea so that it rhymes with say? Aren’t they more likely to say nea rhymes with sea? And if they get into that habit, and apply it to yea as well, aren’t you going to wind up with people in the US Congress deciding on the fate of Medicare by proclaiming yeee or (k)neee?

Talk about insulting the dignity of the football game. And are we really sure we wish to know into what part of our collective anatomy they’re going to put that knee?

Awhile ago, this hack writer by the name of Twain wrote an essay, “The Awful German Language”, complaining about just how close to impossible it was for he, Twain, to make any headway trying to converse in that language.

Seems to YFNA that Twain needed to look just a little closer to home. Just sea-ing.