Cooked!

He: “So I’m standing here trying to fix dinner …”

She: “Fix dinner? I didn’t know it was broken.”

He: “Right. How ’bout you give me a break?”

She: “Where?”

He: “Um .. as I was saying. I get a saucepan, open the box, pour the contents of the box into the saucepan, add water … and now the box tells me to stir thoroughly.” Where do I find this thoroughly thingy?”

She: “No clue. I’ve been looking for years. Never found one. Carry on without it. You’ll probably do fine.”

He: “OK, I … dang it!!

She: “What?”

He: “The blamed instructions tell me to bring to boil. No way! I ain’t bringin’ nothin’ noplace! Even if I knew where to find boil any more than I know where to find the thoroughly. That saucepan is on the stove where it belongs, and it’s stayin’ there until it’s done!”

She: “[Sigh] Relax, love. Boil figured out this flaw in the instructions a long time ago. Leave the pan on the stove. Turn on the burner. The boil will come to you. Trust me on this.”

He: “OK. I guess I’ll just keep cookin’.”

She:No!

He:What ‘no’?? You want me to try to put this wet, slimy stuff back in the box? And go hungry??

She: “I want you to cook your dinner. Not you! Are you wearing your suntan lotion?”

He: “In the kitchen?!

She: “In Hawai‘i. Where you’re broiling under the hot sun!”

He: “Not in the kitchen two hours after sunset, I’m not.”

She:Phew! For once, I get a break!

He: “Where?”

Taking Your Medicine

She: “You remembered to bring home the pills the doctor gave you?”

He: “Yes, dear. They’re right here.”

She: “Good. The medical people expect you to follow their instructions to the letter, and I’m here to make sure that you do that.”

He: “OK, I think. God give me the strength …”

She: “Of course I’m a blessing to you! Now here’s your first pill. Put it in your mouth.”

He: “Can’t I take a hacksaw to it first?”

She: “It’s not that big. Go on. Ah. Now spit it out.”

He:Whaa …??

She: “You heard me. Spit it out!

He: “But what good is that supposed to do?”

She: “The good that comes from following the instructions!

He: “Following .. the .. instructions ..”

She: “Look. They’re right on the packet. You can read ’em just as well as I can. ‘Take one pill twice daily until gone.’ You gotta save this one for dinnertime, when you take it again.”

He: “And so on until, like, August? Hon, surely you’ve heard about the difference between the spirit and the letter of the law?”

She: “Yes?”

He: “Well, then, may I suggest that, unless you wish me to become a spirit, we ignore the letter of this law and let me swallow the dam pill!”