Weekend Funnies

Random Pundering

/ Quilly / 25 Comments

I thought I would wet your appetite for Punny Monday:

If you fail to pay the exorcist for services rendered, will you get repossessed?

Q. – What do you know about the guy who jumped off the bridge in Paris?
A. – He’s in Seine.

A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

What did the drunk say to the guy lounging in front of the bathroom door?
“Urine my way.”

A braggart always has his feat in his mouth.

Topiary art is the cutting edge of garden design.

May: In your opinion, who was the greatest actor of all time?
Kay: Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. He was a man of many parts.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

I’m drawn to art.

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother on the trail?

Because they want us to laugh a little every weekend, Shakira of, You Are Never Alone, and Gattina of Writer’s Cramps, host the Weekend Funnies meme. They care if we tell our own tales or post some of those endless jokes that fill our email boxes. They just want us to share a bit of laughter while visiting each other on the net. Check out Gattina’s blog for the other players and come laugh with us.

Auto Insurance For Blonds

/ Quilly / 11 Comments

Blondie is upset.  First she was pulled over for failing to yield the right away at a stop sign.  She plans to fight the ticket in court because the sign doesn’t say yield, it says stop.

Then the cop asked to see her insurance card.  She handed him her Blue Shield card.  The cop said, “Not your health insurance ma’am.  Your auto insurance.”

Blondie looked at him blankly.  “My health insurance is automatic,” she said.  “At least it is for me.  My employer pays it.”

The cop said, “Ma’am, open your glove box and give me your car insurance.”

“Oh!”  The blond said brightly. “Why didn’t you just say so?”  She opened her glove box and handed the officer her car manual.

The cop’s patience was almost gone.  “Ma’am, this is not your auto insurance.”

“I know that, silly,” the blond said.  “That’s the operator’s manual for my car.  If you look at it it says right there I don’t need auto insurance coverage.”

The cop was so startled he actually looked at the manual.  “It says what?!”

The blond pointed at the words standard transmission.  “I don’t need auto insurance,” she said.  “I drive a stick-shift!”

That’s when the cop wrote the second ticket, which Blondie also plans to fight in court.  I tried to explain things to her but I wasn’t getting through.  I gave up right after I told her she should start by getting an auto insurance quote and she responded, “Now I know you’re just teasing!’  Insurance can’t talk!”

Because they want us to laugh a little every weekend, Shakira of, You Are Never Alone, and Gattina of Writer’s Cramps, host the Weekend Funnies meme. They care if we tell our own tales or post some of those endless jokes that fill our email boxes. They just want us to share a bit of laughter while visiting each other on the net. Check out Gattina’s blog for the other players and come laugh with us.

Weekend Funnies ~ Bow WOW!

/ Quilly / 23 Comments

I was driving along a side-street near my home. My pace was slow because I was only a few yards from the elementary school and because there were kids on bikes at the side of the road. It was a beautiful, spring day and my car window was down so I could enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.

As I rolled by a car parked on the other side of the road, I noted a cute little blond girl-child, probably around 4 years old, kneeling in the driver’s seat. The driver’s window was down. The child had her hands curled over the window edge and head hanging a bit out of the car. As our eyes met she leaned even further forward and barked at me.

She said, “Bow wow! Wow, wow, wow! Grrrrr …….”

I answered, “Grrrr, ruff, ruff, grrrr …..”

She fell over backward. I distinctly heard her giggling. I was giggling, too.

Because she wants us to laugh a little every weekend, Shakira of, You Are Never Alone, hosts the Weekend Funnies meme. Shakira says she doesn’t care if we tell our own tales or post some of those endless jokes that fill our email boxes. She just wants us to share a bit of laughter while visiting each other on the net. Check out Shikira’s blog for the other players and come laugh with us.

Kid Logic

/ Quilly / 38 Comments

I was in the soap isle of the grocery store.  A mother with a toddler in her cart passed me and went around the end of the isle to the frozen section.  I heard the toddler exclaim, “Oh!  I wants dat!”  I knew from experience that they were standing in front of the ice cream case.

Mom said, “I just bet you do, but those are for very good little boys.”

“I’s can be a good lil boy,” the toddler said. “I’s can.  I’s can be weally good.”

Momma said, “But you weren’t very good this morning.”  I walked around the isle to the ice cream section, mother and toddler had moved on to the frozen vegetables.

The toddler said, “I’s can be good.  I’s can.  I’s can be weally good.  Weally.”

Momma said, “Good little boys don’t ask for things in the grocery store.”

The child looked at her with a frown on his face.  “Bud if I’s no ask,” he said, “You no knows whad I’s wans.”

Because she wants us to laugh a little every weekend, Shakira of, You Are Never Alone, hosts the Weekend Funnies meme.  Shakira says she doesn’t care if we make up our own memes or post some of those endless jokes that fill our email boxes.  She just wants us to share a bit of laughter while visiting each other on the net.  Check out Shikira’s blog for the other players and come laugh with us.

Late Breaking News From the Olympics

/ Quilly / 29 Comments

Here’s an Olympics Games story out of Vancouver that not many people have heard.*

Jurji Fusek and his friend Andre Kempny traveled together to Canada to watch the Olympic games.  The fact that Andre was from the Czech Republic and Jurji was Austrian had never been a problem in their ten year friendship, but at the Winter Games all their national pride came bubbling to the surface.  No one knows exactly what started their argument,  but everyone in the bar agrees that Jurji let out a yell, jumped from his seat and pulled Andre from his own chair.

Jurji shook Andre like a doll. Andre threw a right cross and sent Jurgi sprawling across a table.  Jurgi grabbed a shot glass and hurdled it at Andre, who ducked.  The glass shattered the mirror behind the bar.  The two men were shouting curses in their own native tongues and German as well.  Andre grabbed a chair and sung it at  Jurgi.

Jurgi grabbed the chair and jerked Andre toward him.  Andre took a wild swing and clipped Jurgi upside the head.  The two of them fell onto the chair and it splintered beneath them. Jurgi gained his feet first and grabbed Andre, bouncing him off the wall twice before tossing him out the door and into the street.

Silence filled the bar.  Every eye in the place was on Yurgi. The bartender was the first to speak.  “Some one is going to have to pay for this,” he said, motioning toward the broken furniture and scattered glass.

“But of course,” Jurgi said.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.  “You will take bank draft, yes?”

“No,” the bartender said. “I have proof your credit is no good.”

“What proof?”  Jurgi yelled.

The bartender pointed toward the door and answered, “I saw that Czech you just bounced!”

Because she wants us to laugh a little every weekend, Shakira of, You Are Never Alone, hosts the Weekend Funnies meme. Shakira says she doesn’t care if we make up our own memes or post some of those endless jokes that fill our email boxes. She just wants us to share a bit of laughter while visiting each other on the net. Check out Shikira’s blog for the other players and come laugh with us.

*Oh.  The reason that not many people have heard this story is because I just now made it up.