Amoeba Has Questions

Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba woke this morning with a sunbeam and an earworm. This is not good. Extracting a sunbeam from one’s anatomy (he won’t say from where) is no fun. And as for that earworm …

1. If morning has broken, who broke it?

2. Can it be fixed?

3. If blackbird has spoken, what’d it say?

4. Does Babelfish have a translation tool for ‘blackbird’?

5. Didn’t our mothers always tell us don’t fall? If we’re going to anyway, YFNA supposes it’s better to do it on the grass than on, say, the concrete. But then mothers would probably complain, “You’re wet!”

6. Where do you mine sunlight?

7. Isn’t planet Earth already in enough trouble from people mining stuff?

8. If we have a nude day on our hands, shouldn’t we be trying to find clothes for it? There are decency laws, after all. Even in Hawai‘i.

(YFNA is in Hawai‘i on a work assignment. Yes. He said work!)

Counter Fable

He: ” … and I did some sampling at the floor of the Pololu Valley, right about here. It was quite the hike to get down that cliff face, I’ll tell you.”

She: “Lovely. Can you come home now?”

He: “Love to. After they give me what I need to pay the rent.”

She:Sigh. I know. That makes sense, but …”

He: “I am not making cents!”

She: “Um … tell me something I don’t already …?”

He: “Absolutely not. That would be counterfeiting!

She: “And when did you start having this thing about carpentry?”

He: “Carpentry?”

She: “If you’re doing finish work, you want the counter to fit, don’t you? If it’s too big, it sticks out; if it’s too small, stuff falls in the cracks. Either way, the customer complains.”

He: “Oh. That. That’s how the breakfast bar got invented.”

She: “It is?

He: “Of course it is. ‘Dang it, boss, whoever drew these plans was clueless. This counter design don’t fit noplace!‘ ‘Relax, cuz. Just stick it out in the middle of the kitchen and throw a few high stools around it. They’ll never know.'”

Family Building

She: “I tell you, I don’t know where people get their ideas for naming their kids.”

He: “Yeah. There sure are some strange ones out there these days.”

She: “I’m not so sure today’s any different from yesterday, though. I’m still trying to figure out where some of the names in my family came from. But whatever it takes to make a home, I guess.”

He: “Well, I don’t know about a home. But if you do it right, you can use your family’s names to make a house.”

She: “A house?

He: “Sure. To lay the foundation, though, the first kid had better be a girl.”

She: “I don’t get it …”

He: “Florence. Then …”

She: “Oh good grief!”

He: “Don’t interrupt, it’s impolite. Besides, we gotta get this house up ‘fore it rains. Around here, that doesn’t give us much time. The sides are next. Need a boy for that.”

She:Sigh. Wally.”

He: “Hey, you catch on fast. Gotta be able to get in and out, of course.”

She: “Doris. And I need light in my house.”

He: “Winnie.”

She: “Just one? Have to be a big kid. I’m not sure I wish to be responsible for bringing up a child with an eating disorder.”

He: “Oh all right, three Winnies. Though they’re going to have a hell of a time at school keeping track of ’em.”

She: “Teachers wish to complain, they can come here and wash ’em all. Give them something to complain about.”

He: “Word. The next one’s going to have to be happy sleeping in an upstairs bedroom, though.”

She: “Why upstairs?”

He: “So all of us can have a Rufus over our hea … OW! What was that?

She: “A fork. I stuck it in you to christen you with your new name.”

He: “Which is …?”

She:Dunn!

En Garde-n

(Your Friendly Neighborhood Amoeba continues trying to (um) help with Quilly’s blog …)

He: “Where are you off to?”

She: “Just out to the garden. Going to get a tomato.”

He: “How?”

She: “Same way I usually do. It should be ripe enough to fall into my …”

He: “But how can you get it? Shouldn’t it be them?

She: “Oh, all right! Just for you, I’ll get two-matoes.”

He: “Worse and worse!”

She: “Don’t make me do something I’ll regret later.”

He: “Not my fault. For one thing, it’s not May, it’s October. For another, I’m not keen on toes at the dinner table, no matter what month it is. Talk about strangers in my soup …”

She: “You invited lawyers for dinner?”

He: “Yep. Dressed for the occasion, too.”

She: “In briefs??

He: “Too casual. Lawsuit and tie. And they’re staying for breakfast.”

She: “And what are you fixing them for breakfast?”

He: “Pop torts. Weren’t you going to the garden?”

She: “While I still can. You know what the worst thing about this season is, don’t you?”

He: “Yeah, said the rake. Autumn leaves.”

She: “And winter follows.”

Dude and Dude: (Nothing) Sacred Song

Beethoven?

“Yeah, dude. Somethin’ wrong wit’ that?”

“No way, dude, I just didn’t know you could. What d’y’use?”

“Huh?”

“For bait, dude. To catch the oven. An’ y’re gonna need some pretty heavy duty tackle.”

“Bait me any more, dude, and you’re gonna get tackled. Sit down an’ listen f’r once.”

“OK, OK, dude, I’m just tryin’ to save us some money.”

O sanctissima

“WaiwaiwaiwhoawhoaSTOP!

Now what?”

“What the hell are they talkin’ about?

“About Mary, mother of Jesus of Nazareth.”

“Y’mean Jesus, this half-Jewish, half-Roman guy? Kinda like Bob Marley – half black, half white, an’ people think he’s all that?”

You, dude, have been watchin’ too many Monty Python movies* lately.”

Them I can grok. This? I’ve got no clue what they’re sayin’!

“It’s Latin, dude. You’re just gonna hafta do the best y’can.”

” ‘k …”

Audi nos O Maria …

“She sells cars?

“Dude …”

Ora pro nobis

“OK, she’s a vegetarian car seller.”

What?

You heard ’em, dude. She’s pro no beast. She’s either a veggie or she really hates pets. Either way …”

“Right, dude. And for your punishment, you get to hear the song again. Maybe this time I’ll get to hear some of it.”

“There’s always headphones, dude …”

O sanctissima, O piissima …

TMI, dude! Way TMI!”

Huh?

“Dude, I don’t care how cool she is, I don’t wanna know ’bout her bathroom habits. I am outa here!”

* Monty Python’s Life of Brian alludes to the first-century CE story that Jesus of Nazareth was the product of an illicit union between Mary and an unidentified Roman soldier. – The Amoeba