Dude and Dude: (Nothing) Sacred Song


“Yeah, dude. Somethin’ wrong wit’ that?”

“No way, dude, I just didn’t know you could. What d’y’use?”


“For bait, dude. To catch the oven. An’ y’re gonna need some pretty heavy duty tackle.”

“Bait me any more, dude, and you’re gonna get tackled. Sit down an’ listen f’r once.”

“OK, OK, dude, I’m just tryin’ to save us some money.”

O sanctissima


Now what?”

“What the hell are they talkin’ about?

“About Mary, mother of Jesus of Nazareth.”

“Y’mean Jesus, this half-Jewish, half-Roman guy? Kinda like Bob Marley – half black, half white, an’ people think he’s all that?”

You, dude, have been watchin’ too many Monty Python movies* lately.”

Them I can grok. This? I’ve got no clue what they’re sayin’!

“It’s Latin, dude. You’re just gonna hafta do the best y’can.”

” ‘k …”

Audi nos O Maria …

“She sells cars?

“Dude …”

Ora pro nobis

“OK, she’s a vegetarian car seller.”


You heard ’em, dude. She’s pro no beast. She’s either a veggie or she really hates pets. Either way …”

“Right, dude. And for your punishment, you get to hear the song again. Maybe this time I’ll get to hear some of it.”

“There’s always headphones, dude …”

O sanctissima, O piissima …

TMI, dude! Way TMI!”


“Dude, I don’t care how cool she is, I don’t wanna know ’bout her bathroom habits. I am outa here!”

* Monty Python’s Life of Brian alludes to the first-century CE story that Jesus of Nazareth was the product of an illicit union between Mary and an unidentified Roman soldier. – The Amoeba

Dude and Dude: Rockin’ My Sole

“So tell me again what we’re doin’ over here, dude, ‘stead of our own place?”

“‘Cause this is about Quilly, dude. So we’re putting it where she can see it.”

“Y’sure that’s a good idea?”

Sure I’m sure.”

“Don’t smell like it t’me.”

“Right. Come over here an’ let me oldspice up your life.”

“Not a chance, dude. B’sides. I thought this was about Quilly. It doesn’t have anythin’ to do with peas, does it?”

“Kinda sorta. Peace, anyway. An’ what it takes to have a peaceful soul.”



“Flounder stuffed with green paste. Can’t she do better than that?

“Speakin’ o’ better, dude. I got a question.”


“She says each of us has an immortal soul. In fact, she says each of us is an immortal soul.”

“Includin’ you an’ me?”

“Well, virtually. Let’s worry ’bout that detail later, huh? Anyway. So. If each of us is a soul, does that mean we’re all well healed?

“Only if y’toe the line! But I gotta thank ya, dude, y’explained somethin’ that’s been buggin’ me for awhile now.”

“What’s that?”

“I finally figured out what she means when she talks about the upper room.”


Dinner Presentation

He: “I’m home!”

She: “Just in time. Dinner’s on the table.”

He: “You’re expecting me to shoo it off?

She: “No, I’m expecting you to eat it.”

He: “And what is ‘it’?”

She: “Meatloaf.”

He: “But we haven’t gone anyplace! Certainly not on business.”

She: “Yes?”

He: “So you’re serving me conference food?”

She: “Of course. Your conference is with me. In your own home. We meet, and then you loaf.”

He: “You’ve been shopping for shoes, haven’t you?”

She: “Shoes?”

He: “Didn’t you just tell me you wanted me to meet loafers?”

She: “I’d tread lightly on that if I were you.”

S’no Day

She: “C’mon, slugabed, I’ve got to go soon.”

He: “Snow day.”

She: “It most certainly is day. You can see in the house without turning the lights on, and it’s before 8 AM. We might survive the winter yet.”

He: “Snow day.”

She: “Are you listening to me? It is day! Wake up before it’s over!

He: “Hang it, love, look out the window!

She: “Oh my God, it’s snowing!

He: “Like I’ve been trying to tell you. It’s no day for you to be going anyplace!

She: “But I’ve got an appointment in town! I can’t afford to miss it!”

He: “You’re driving in this?”

She: “Yeah?”

He: “Then they’re something I do want you to miss.”

She: “My appointment?”

He: “The trees that’re shooting up out of the ground while you’re trying to steer a car over it.”

*     *     *     *     *     *     

She will be out in this all day – they’re calling for up to 5 inches of the white stuff, which in this part of the world will have the impact that a two-foot blizzard would have in, like, Maine or Minnesota. She’ll probably be by to visit blogs and all sometime this evening, or tomorrow. In the meantime, tell her to be careful for me, willya?

Rockin’ Sockin’ Dinner

He: “You did good with the main course tonight, love, I don’t understand why you’re putting Tabasco sauce in it.”

She: “It’s missing something. I wanted a bolder flavor.”

He: “Really? I don’t think one of those will fit in the pot, never mind your bowl. There’s a hammer and chisel in the garage, if that will help …”

She: “It’s beef stew, not stone soup!

He: “Oh, ok. Just as well. Sandstone would be a little gritty, granite a bit flinty, and the basalt would need pepper. Anyway, thanks for dinner … Oh good grief!”

She: “What now?

He: “This sack of wild bird food you’ve got by the kitchen door here. ‘Attacks cardinals, finches, sparrows …’ What are you feeding these poor things?”

She: “That’s attRacts, dear, not attAcks. Trust me, this stuff is the attackEE, not the attackER. And at the rate the birds are going through it, it’s we who are going to be ‘poor’, not them!

He: “Do they lay carpet, hang pictures, and stuff?”

She: “What?”

He: “The birds. You said they were tackers. And if we have to do repairs on the poorhouse, we might have to use their services. I’ve always heard they’ll work for cheep.”