Dude and Dude: (Nothing) Sacred Song

Beethoven?

“Yeah, dude. Somethin’ wrong wit’ that?”

“No way, dude, I just didn’t know you could. What d’y’use?”

“Huh?”

“For bait, dude. To catch the oven. An’ y’re gonna need some pretty heavy duty tackle.”

“Bait me any more, dude, and you’re gonna get tackled. Sit down an’ listen f’r once.”

“OK, OK, dude, I’m just tryin’ to save us some money.”

O sanctissima

“WaiwaiwaiwhoawhoaSTOP!

Now what?”

“What the hell are they talkin’ about?

“About Mary, mother of Jesus of Nazareth.”

“Y’mean Jesus, this half-Jewish, half-Roman guy? Kinda like Bob Marley – half black, half white, an’ people think he’s all that?”

You, dude, have been watchin’ too many Monty Python movies* lately.”

Them I can grok. This? I’ve got no clue what they’re sayin’!

“It’s Latin, dude. You’re just gonna hafta do the best y’can.”

” ‘k …”

Audi nos O Maria …

“She sells cars?

“Dude …”

Ora pro nobis

“OK, she’s a vegetarian car seller.”

What?

You heard ’em, dude. She’s pro no beast. She’s either a veggie or she really hates pets. Either way …”

“Right, dude. And for your punishment, you get to hear the song again. Maybe this time I’ll get to hear some of it.”

“There’s always headphones, dude …”

O sanctissima, O piissima …

TMI, dude! Way TMI!”

Huh?

“Dude, I don’t care how cool she is, I don’t wanna know ’bout her bathroom habits. I am outa here!”

* Monty Python’s Life of Brian alludes to the first-century CE story that Jesus of Nazareth was the product of an illicit union between Mary and an unidentified Roman soldier. – The Amoeba

Dude and Dude: Rockin’ My Sole

“So tell me again what we’re doin’ over here, dude, ‘stead of our own place?”

“‘Cause this is about Quilly, dude. So we’re putting it where she can see it.”

“Y’sure that’s a good idea?”

Sure I’m sure.”

“Don’t smell like it t’me.”

“Right. Come over here an’ let me oldspice up your life.”

“Not a chance, dude. B’sides. I thought this was about Quilly. It doesn’t have anythin’ to do with peas, does it?”

“Kinda sorta. Peace, anyway. An’ what it takes to have a peaceful soul.”

“Ew.”

“What?”

“Flounder stuffed with green paste. Can’t she do better than that?

“Speakin’ o’ better, dude. I got a question.”

“Yeah?”

“She says each of us has an immortal soul. In fact, she says each of us is an immortal soul.”

“Includin’ you an’ me?”

“Well, virtually. Let’s worry ’bout that detail later, huh? Anyway. So. If each of us is a soul, does that mean we’re all well healed?

“Only if y’toe the line! But I gotta thank ya, dude, y’explained somethin’ that’s been buggin’ me for awhile now.”

“What’s that?”

“I finally figured out what she means when she talks about the upper room.”

“Dude.”

Taking Your Medicine

She: “You remembered to bring home the pills the doctor gave you?”

He: “Yes, dear. They’re right here.”

She: “Good. The medical people expect you to follow their instructions to the letter, and I’m here to make sure that you do that.”

He: “OK, I think. God give me the strength …”

She: “Of course I’m a blessing to you! Now here’s your first pill. Put it in your mouth.”

He: “Can’t I take a hacksaw to it first?”

She: “It’s not that big. Go on. Ah. Now spit it out.”

He:Whaa …??

She: “You heard me. Spit it out!

He: “But what good is that supposed to do?”

She: “The good that comes from following the instructions!

He: “Following .. the .. instructions ..”

She: “Look. They’re right on the packet. You can read ’em just as well as I can. ‘Take one pill twice daily until gone.’ You gotta save this one for dinnertime, when you take it again.”

He: “And so on until, like, August? Hon, surely you’ve heard about the difference between the spirit and the letter of the law?”

She: “Yes?”

He: “Well, then, may I suggest that, unless you wish me to become a spirit, we ignore the letter of this law and let me swallow the dam pill!”

Dinner Presentation

He: “I’m home!”

She: “Just in time. Dinner’s on the table.”

He: “You’re expecting me to shoo it off?

She: “No, I’m expecting you to eat it.”

He: “And what is ‘it’?”

She: “Meatloaf.”

He: “But we haven’t gone anyplace! Certainly not on business.”

She: “Yes?”

He: “So you’re serving me conference food?”

She: “Of course. Your conference is with me. In your own home. We meet, and then you loaf.”

He: “You’ve been shopping for shoes, haven’t you?”

She: “Shoes?”

He: “Didn’t you just tell me you wanted me to meet loafers?”

She: “I’d tread lightly on that if I were you.”

Violet Russell

She: “Someone’s at the door. Would you answer it?”

He: “I suppose, but I don’t know what good it will do. The door doesn’t talk back.”

She: “Neither should you! Who is the person behind the door?”

He: “Name’s Violet Russell. Vi for short. Says she has a package for you.”

She: “I’m not expecting any packages. And I don’t know anyone named Violet. Or Russell. She’s not related to this Carney friend of yours?”

He: “No. And he wasn’t my friend.

She: “Oh. Yeah. He’d gone to the dogs, hadn’t he? Well, tell her ‘thanks but no thanks.’

He: “OK, I wi … Hey! Where’d she go? She was right here a second ago.”

She: “Hmph. Guess we didn’t need her package anywa .. wa .. wa … WAAAA–CHOOO!!

He: “Gesundheit!”

She: “Too la’ ….”

*     *     *     *     *     

Let’s just say that Quilly’s less happy today than she was yesterday, and yesterday earned an ugh. This too shall pass, but meanwhile … Spare a thought for all those who’ve gotten visits from Ms. Russell this cold ‘n’ flu season.